Finding Me

I have recently felt this overwhelming weight that I could not get rid of. I found my self scrolling through my phone in an aimless attempt to avoid all feelings. It was in this state of unconscious cloudiness that I decided I am so sick of feeling this way. I’m not sure why or exactly how I came to the conclusion but I knew my Texas trip with my boyfriend, Henry was my chance to completely escape this weight.
As our trip came closer, I continued to find myself stuck in thoughts of wondering why I felt the way I did. I’m aware that we as humans tend to ebb and flow in and out of our many aspirations and inspirations, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling this was something of my own doing. Why did it suddenly feel like the pace of my life had sped up after going through every single day with the same overwhelming schedule and avoiding all human interaction. It was as if I was living every day over and over again, unhappy, lonely, but yet not having the motivation to change it. I’d sift through my to-do list of things still not completed as my anxiety began to rise, and my motivation began to decrease.
I’m not a stranger to this feeling – it’s poked it’s head in and out of my door many times throughout the past few years. I feel as if I’m going to war with myself over nothing.
There will always be things to-do, people to worry about, and a job to go to.  In a lot of ways, I tend to attempt to trick myself by believing that if I ignore my feelings and anxiety that I will suddenly feel the weight lift off my chest again.  It’s only ever been from running away from my responsibilities that I’ve lost the biggest sense of connection to who I am and where I want to be going.
Instead, it is in the humidity of Texas that I came to a couple conclusions and committed to a few life decisions that is slowly helping me find who I am and what I deserve. Henry’s mom told me that when the kids would swim in the ocean she would tell them “don’t fight the current just float.” Even though this was her advice for her kids when they were little and swimming in the ocean; I felt the need to apply this to my own life. It’s about accepting that life has a way of feeling hectic and chaotic, but in zoning our focus on the things that matter most we can stay afloat.  Deciding to always take care of ourselves and find what makes us feel most balanced.  Deciding to break from our chains and let go of our toxic people and thoughts that pull us down.  Daring to find things that make us happy right where we are while we work and do our best to get to where we are going.  Doing things that make us forget to check our phones and surrounding ourselves with people who make us laugh till we cry.  To taste new foods and try new things and recognize what we deserve.
Choosing to count our memories. Refusing to waste any of our precious time comparing our paths to others and instead trusting God and His timing for our lives while finding freedom in the joy that comes meeting new people and sending encouragement in every direction. By choosing to do our best with everything that presents itself to us and not think about any other outcomes.
It’s in making these decisions to let go and just live that we begin to understand that life isn’t supposed to make sense to any of us. It’s about learning to stop fighting the waves and instead float and enjoy the waves and soak up the sun.
It’s a wild ride, but I think that’s the point.

Thanks for reading my rant of me trying to figure out who I am.

As always, with love

xo – hay

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